Finally It's Over...still in the process of becoming a SMOOTH STONE :D

From about Oct 2014 onwards, life has been a roller coaster. It was breakthrough after breakthrough, walls smashed down.

Many of the issues that were way overdue, stuffed inside my head, was finally cleared, with the roots completely obliterated recently. However, I have to admit that this feeling feels so raw, it was almost odd, foreign yet familiar, like meeting someone that you knew from a very long time ago, very close and yet almost forgotten. Except, this someone is myself from yesterday, the one which I thought was dead and buried. But, as written in Ezekiel, God can speak to our dry bones and revive them. And that was exactly what happened that middle of the night. It was so quiet, so gentle, and yet, that pain, anger, hatred, root intense bitterness finally completely withered off and dead and taken out from me. To be replaced with Him breathing new life into every part that I thought was dead. Parts of which was all smithereens.

During this time, and even from since year 2000, it was a journey of taking out parts that were not me and with that final piece gone in mid June 2015, finally collecting and putting back the pieces of me from everywhere that only He knew how and where, parts of myself that I barely recognised because it had been frozen or dead for 30 years. Learning to grow those parts of me was almost weird but with Him helping me, this journey has been nothing short of amazing.

I also want to extend my thanks to people past and present, who hurt me, had been part of my life, whacked me to wake up :) , people who cared about me, who loved me, whom I have hurt in turn, people who took it upon themselves to mentor me, prayed for me...without so many people who had been part and parcel of my life someway, somehow, I would not have come this far.

After these 9 months of intensified breakthroughs, clearing off the thrash, I could finally start on a clean slate.

I recently discovered much to my annoyance (anyone who knew me knew I'm a lone ranger, striving to be ALONE in a real way), that, the very reason we needed relationships, was not so that we won't be lonely but rather, 1+1 is more really than just 2. It's all about enriching others, caring for others, making each moment count even when life sucks. It's about learning to relate with others and putting others first. You see, we are all like new stones when we first came into the world. Along the way, we bumped into others, we get thrown about, there were pain everywhere, BUT, at the end of the day, we will finally each become a SMOOTH STONE.

Life, without love and relationships, is painless and secure/stagnant (so long as no waves come hit you and throw you into the ocean), but it definitely is timeless (time just sort of stand still when there is nothing going on), loveless (you need relationships whether with family, relatives, friends and not just romance in order to love and be loved), and most of all LIFELESS (because well, when one does not feel pain, disappointment, love....that is tantamount to not having any heartbeat anymore).

It's been more than a year since I last posted in 2013. I thank God that throughout all these years, He had been watching over me. Many people will never understand, why would I be thankful to a God who allowed me to go through all that pain and hurt that turned my life upside down beyond recognition. But, the story of redemption is this: If I had not gone through what I did, I would have remained that seriously extrovert, happy-go-lucky, cheerful person, who thought everything was just black and white, who knew how to be sympathetic but know nothing about empathy, who love but knew nothing about being loved so deeply. But, being kicked and stumbled, I became the exact opposite of my original character, such contrast that for all these years, my mother wondered what happened to me. Because I became not me. When each part of me died or frozen, each of the void was filled with the opposite of that character. Hence when God started to deliver me, despite me, He cleared all that junks from me, killing them by the root and revived me again. Could God have protected me from those harm before they happened? He could, but He allowed it because He had given humans freewill, to choose whether to do harm or to do good. As for me, it is through this that I saw and experienced His love, His grace, His compassion upon me, and finally knew vividly, even when I thought I was all alone, He is by my side all these time.

So, is everything all right already? Well, I'm still in the process of becoming a SMOOTH STONE.

My 2013 in Review...

It's going to be Christmas soon. And then year end. Yes, another year has ended. I've been blogging very very little, was too lazy to sign in to log my journey. After all, Facebook allowed me to update statuses now and then, although that was more of opinion rather than a log about my journey.

I'm waiting in agony for my semester result, and also my promotion result. Well, whatever it is, 2013 had been very much about pushing it through. Other than knowing my bf this year, nothing significant happen this year. Or maybe not. At least, I'm trying harder, pretending to climb the corporate ladder (have I ever told anyone I dislike being an OL)?

But this year mark greater improvement for me in my baking activities :) Yippee, I have crossed into baking bread although am still in the process of trying to fine tune it to soften the internal and lighten up the crust. Hmmm, perhaps next time, I will start a blog for my baking and cooking activities. That would certainly be a lot more useful and purposeful for my life than journey about being an OL...

I've also started going back more into evaluating the economy. Well, have left the whole thing out of my life since a long time and taking it back with all the statistics and analysing the figures had been awesome experience. But, would starting a blog on that be too much of an academic exercise? Well, it would mainly be about money speak anyway or rather about standard of living, the comparison of the economies all over the world or perhaps even on the view on the latest from the various central banks starting from where else if not the Federal Reserve of the US of A. Will KIV on that...

A number of things I need to apply. The very thought of filling up forms feels quite life threatening, right??? Let's start with tomorrow morning so that I can end the year checking off the entire lists, then... :)

My Inspiration & Supporter

For a long time, I was basically trudging out on my own, pushing it but without real inspiration. When God came into my life, I knew He is always with me. I just never knew that He would be sending a guy whose name will always reminds me about God's presence in my life - Emmanuel.. :)

These days, I thought I was losing steam, losing the push to keep going even as I continue with my MBA. In fact, I felt so tired that I really thought of giving up. In fact, just yesterday, I felt like just throwing all that effort out the window and not see it again. But, something different occur.

Now, every time when I felt like things are getting unbearable, I just have to think of this guy, EJ and all the burden that he is carrying now ... taking care of his mother by himself, his heavy workload and he still push on in his study. Then it just felt like, if he can do it, what with so much burden on his shoulder, I can do it too because my burden is lighter.

EJ, you truly are an inspiration. Your presence in my life have made me draw closer to God too. As I have always been a person who needed to look for man that I can look up to, in you I found that person, one whom I respect, love and want to protect and share your burden. For me, it's never about the money, career, fame but all about the hard work and the positive attitude. 

P.S. This guy not only inspired me but have lovingly continue to support me and encourage me ... :D

The Challenges Ahead - Keep Pushing It

The other day, while clearing up the clutter in my bedroom, trying to be a little more order with my things. Along with all that, I saw a lot of old entries for my journal which brought into my memory the main reason I started this blog... that is to keep track of my walk with the Lord. I thank God for each part, each footprint, for each step He guided me until this far.

So, now... what is in store? Or should it be, what's out of the store now??.. :)

Well, it's going to be another semester of grind at work, study and trying to find a semblance of thing called making a future plan (something to that effect). Yuppp... so, it's going to be full steam ahead again after the short lil lull. And I am so looking forward to it (hopefully).

But, as I was not able to register for as many subjects as I'd like to, which means I will be drag for at least 1 additional semester (6 months), I promise God I will learn to take things one at a time, to enjoy the process while taking on the challenges, instead of trying to keep pushing without taking in the things that I'm currently going through. Because 10 years from now, all these will be a distant but hopefully another wonderful memory.

Work wise, being still a clerk, I thank God all the time because in all honesty, all these taught me humility. And all these experience that I am going through made me admire even more of those who worked really lowly despite having high education, including that of PhD because they chose to accept their calling instead of going for corporate climbing like everyone else. Yes, taking the path that most people don't like, the path very less travelled, the path avoided by everyone but the passionate .. I found myself in awe of these people and thanking the sacrifices that so many of these people made. I thank God because my life experiences enriched my perspectives and all these are very humbling to me.

And for the future .... that's for God to hold my little finger to guide me there, one step at a time. In the meantime, I need to do the best in whatever that's given to me, to be a good steward, and to learn more baking and cooking and gardening, because those are passions renewed by the Lord in my very being ...... :)

I also want to thank God for bringing into my life a very special person whose very name also reminded me of the Lord. Emmanuel had been a blessing, not only as a special friend but his presence in my life keep me close to the Lord in the way that I knew not.
May the Lord cause me to walk even closer to Him, to take up the challenges which He had lay ahead for me

Renewed Spirit

It's been quite sometime since I last blogged. There were a number of things that kept popping up in my mind. I ended up posted a number of them on my Facebook status instead. Had been meaning to use them in one of the blog write up but decided against it.

I'm truly happy to have an online network of friends that are not only kind and constantly cheer me up but very intelligent and well read. These friends truly gave me a sense of belonging in a world that have always made me feel like an alien.

Thus, I decided to pen this very short piece. I thank God. After the last few days, to see the messages from friends and to think things through, I finally realised that every trials are presented to smooth out my character, just as sand are used to smooth out a piece of rock or the surface of metals or wood. Yes, I needed to change for me, not for anyone else. To change from the inside out, so that God could use me as an instrument. To release control of myself over to Him, to look at others with love, to look for their goodness and forgive even the unforgivable.

Thank you my friends for the encouraging words. Thank you Lord for this renewed spirit. Thank you Lord for bringing these friends into my life and showing me that life is more than just pain and loneliness.

Reminisce 2012... Onwards 2013

I know it's a tad late. It's been so many moons since I last blogged. Things had been happening over the past few months. All 3 remaining grandparents of mine have passed away, leaving so suddenly, creating 3 vacuums in their trail. It was painful because each of them had been getting older and more and more frail throughout that time, each probably feeling helpless as their body grew less and less able, and unable to relate that to anyone of us. Like I've said before, life has no 'if'. They are gone, and that's that.  ... :-(

Now that they are gone, it is more important to keep memories of them. So, 2012 ended on a sad note, with the final farewell to my maternal grandma, the last of my grandparents to finally move on.

Come 2013, things seems to have started on a long coma. It was still depressing, with too much sadness lingering every now and then. Even now, it still hurts. But, life has to move on.

Marching on in 2013, I hope and prayed I'd be a better person, I will love more, care more and forgive more. I better keep this in mind for constant reminder because life is short and sudden. What exist today and right now, may disappear the very next minute. So, cherish life and those around us so that when the time comes, when we bid farewell, we can cry together, grief together and know and remember that we have memories of each other to keep with us.

Farewell, po po, gong gong, jia jia. I hope and prayed that those pain all over the body no longer hurts anymore and you all are in a happier place.

As for those of us that remained behind, let us be strengthen and treasure the memory of each of them.

... Failed recipe... or maybe not

This past week been playing more with the whisk… failure after failure… as well as causing lots of havoc... ;-) … Actually, felt more like a kid playing cooking or was it baking? Hmmmm… anyway, I hope to concentrate more on the gardening, the cooking and baking thing, although as of now, while gardening is in progress (hopefully, plss, plss), baking and cooking is errrr hmmmm…. :P… I’m a complete havoc in the kitchen, plus the fact that I focus more on the clean-up, (yes, I hate leaving things dirty – they make me stressful), learn, I must…through youtube and trials, hopefully…

This past week, the Lord is also, slowly but surely, teaching me to verbalise my thoughts. I struggled and felt naked, exposed, insecure that my deepest feelings had to come out, and yet having kept all those things inside my heart had been nothing short of torture. I was never myself, and could never seem to voice up no matter what. I talk a lot, yeah, crappy stuff, but when it comes to things that touched my heart dearly, I was holding out, not wanting to part with the last bit of me. But now, I’m learning that encouragement could come my way through my verbalizing my inner thoughts. Yes, there will be stumbling blocks, no doubt, but failure is but only a stepping stone on our path to reach that goal planted from ABOVE ON HIGH.

Next up, what’s on the list… Answer – I have no idea. Like always, I am leaving it to Him to decide whichever way He wants me. All I want to do was to be in on His plan for this universe, for people, for me.

I pray that as I realized that the only way to start on that next path is to lift my leg from that previous stone. I may be fragile, never agile, but Your hands will lift me up as and when I allow You to. Should I allow that pathetic shyness to stop me ever? No, having that feeling, struggling in all those things, like mom said, was meant to make me the person that I am so that I could empathise with others. And empathy is the most important element if I am to ever reach out. It is not about wanting to be appreciated for some personal grandiose. It is all about wanting to be able to touch someone’s life, help someone who’s in the pit of darkness, and that goodness will be carried forward to help others too. I plead that Your hand will keep molding me and take away the hardness in my heart, and that You will restore my compassion, that each of those past hurts will be a lesson to remember of Your faithfulness to me while I was alone in all that.