Have u ever felt, that u don't felt like living... that there is nothing left to do, or there just isn't anything in this world that is worth living for?
I have been to that place where waking up in the morning felt like a chore, that somehow, something is missing. During this time, even when something "exciting" came up, I just felt like hiding away. I still remember how even something which I enjoyed scared me, seemingly pushed me into a whirlpool of weird emotions. I didn't know what was happening, but I kept wanting to hide, to runaway from this world, that I needed to use all the strength I have to go about even the daily routine. Somehow, I never thought that there was any problem, depression maybe, but then again...
Then, there's also sickness and pain here and there which compounded to my problem... So, I guess whenever other people are scared they have this or that, I thought they are a funny lot. During the time when I was sick or depressed, I never felt like living. At the same time, right at the back of my mind, I knew that suicide is not an option because I've always been a believer, that this life which I have is given by Somebody else, thus I have no right to it whatsoever. Although, I was not a Christian then, I believed fervently that there is a GOD up there and HE is the only ONE.
Later, as I went through more confusing gamut of emotions and other types of pain, I knew deep down that as long as I'm still alive, that God has yet to take me off this place, well there is something that I'm supposed to do.
Great. Now , I have to figure out what is in store for me and to enjoy it come what may, and at the same time, to remember that I must continuously follow God's path, and not my own whims and fancy... So, that's it. Live life to the fullest according to God's plan (this does not mean everything that happen I should blame it on "destiny"), but to choose wisely according to HIS WORD. Ever heard how when people ended up with very bad life choices e.g. someone's mistress, corrupt and so forth, actually blame that on God's plan for them. Well, sorry but actually whatever that is against HIS teaching, he wouldn't plan that to happen in our lives. It's just our sorry excuses for our weaknesses to temptation... I pray hard that whatever it is, I will not pin everything on God, just because I proclaim to believe in HIM. (AMEN)
In the meantime, to whomever who might read this post, don't give up, but continue to live with ur struggle, and someday, u may understand what was all the experience for...
In the meantime, I'll just continue to wonder "What on earth am I doing HERE"???
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