The Last Rite.....

It's time to let the whole thing rest. Yes, I've thought about it before, I've probably said it before, but there was never really that last rite to lay it to rest. Till now.

I've finally come to the closure, one in which I've laid bare whatever that's necessary. Having cried rivers of tears, the endless backtracking on incidences with trauma that hurled me all over from deep down inside without me knowing, the anger, the intense hatred that comes with all that, so much so that the hatred turned inward. One explosion after another, I really am too tired of this roller-coaster emotions, the highs and lows, the fluctuations. Today, when everything came to a lull, deep inside was that vacuum again...:'(

I hadn't known that during my entire schooldays (yes, from the very day I entered standard 1 till the day I left Form 6) and thereafter, I was under a cloud of depression, till recent days. During those years, living and being dead made no difference, but I carried through well enough that the only possible inkling that there was somehow, something wrong with me was my explosion. From hating others, that soon turned to self-hating. After sometime, all that was left was that ugly little monster...Yes, I actually saw her in the mirror as my own reflection, and that was only broken during my Upper 6...I guess, my healing began from there and then itself cause mom was praying for me while she's in UK, after her conversion to Christianity.

While I've known that I hated, knowing that I had depression even back then came through personal evaluations only of late. And that depression only left in recent years. Funny how a lot of ppl complained about having depression, while I had no idea, except that I knew that something was amiss throughout my school-life. I was too scared sometimes, too happy sometimes, and plenty of missing days I wondered where it had all gone, but moved on anyway.

Now, it's time for her to finally have her eternal rest (because if she doesn't, I'd probably have mine especially since I have been getting more and more tired of living again). It's time to bid farewell to this person who had been strong, helping me to stride through in life, protecting me when I was too weak to understand or protest. It hurts to let go, but I have to do that if I want to move on. She did her part, and could now finally settle back into my sub-conscious, to merge back to be part of me. This will be her last rite, because after this, she's me and I'm she.

I will be living my life the way it was meant to be, taking things back into my own hands. I will stop trying to control my life via my mind (yes, the power of a corrupted and sharply-focused mind can be so damning). That mind would be used to think up something productive (hopefully....:P......)........Thank God, for giving me the courage to go through this last rite........

Not to be missed out are the direct victims of the monster (mom, dad, my siblings, friends)...No one could have known, not even me, that my hatred and anger towards others (from years and years ago) have turned to target the ppl closest to me in my present days.

I am one again (on my own, afraid but willing to live my life again finally).....Whatever happens next, I will be on my own.....