Thank God for my sickness.......

I totally dislike being around others and dependent on others or vice versa. There are times when I thought I was going to throw in the towel. After all, being told to love others and gave in to others when I felt like I have done exactly that the whole time is not a really great feeling. But then again, maybe, just maybe, there are things which I could do more.

Example...giving some compliments, spending time with others (even if it feels dreadful) and even going round to check on my cousins and friends to see how I might encourage them in anything at all. Yeah, I know things are bad enough without me adding more salt to injury. Most time, me guess, I was part blunt, part trying to avoid listening to weepy stories. Or perhaps, the habit of detaching myself from others, not getting emotionally involved (as in being helpful), bashing others with words cause nobody likes that, annoying and basically just making sure that everyone stays miles away from me has finally gain ground. But while others get to run away from me, I'm stuck with the me that I have created, vengeful to bits, angry most time, pathetically negative (I want to die listening to that me in my head)...seriously unhelpful most times.

I really want to thank God for allowing me to get sick as I became helpless, a total weakling when I fall sick. As I prefer being on my own, He has to, time and again showed me that I need to rely and trust others, beside Him. Even when I whined about it, He continues to teach me to open up to others. And when I do, each part of that hard nut inside me crack. But hey, I'm a tough nut to crack. Anyhow, He made me see that others are just as scared if not worse off, and they felt hurt too about caring for others and sharing a deeper part of themselves with me. So now, I guess, I need to try to figure how to undo the habit which I have gained as a protection against others and just let go and not be so serious with others.

May each day brings with it new meaning that all may see and all may learn for knowledge is not absolute but is a constant evolution :-). I know I did learn and will continue to learn till the very end.