What if..............

After all that had happened, I didn't even know what to think anymore.......

I really did wish that I hadn't survive my last bout of serious illness. Cause it feels like hell right now.....:'-(.......but that would be cowardice, selfish and irresponsible.

Yeah, this coming from the mouth of a selfish and senseless person who's been hurting the bf until he needed to take sleeping pills just to get some sleep.....:'-(

When I look back, I wondered.........

What if I had died years back when my bones all swell up......apparently it was an auto-immune disease?..........something like that.........I wouldn't have hurt my parents and the rest of my family members all these years.........:'-(........and there wouldn't be any chance of me knowing my bf, and ending up hurting him as well..........don't know which is worse.........

What if I had died from some freak accident during that operation?..........Certainly, I wouldn't keep having this certain pain that continue to bug me to this day.....suppose to go for a check-up......but, really I don't really want to live that long........:'-(............And I wouldn't hurt my parents and the rest of my family members.......even if they were sad, it would pass, right?.....And well.............I wouldn't have known my bf...........and go through this hell, I'm going through now............I really didn't mean to hurt him....and I did let it be known what I'm like.............:'-(..:'-(

What if I had not accepted him as a bf?.............Well, he wouldn't have suffered like this........and I wouldn't be crying like hell............for a certain romantic relationship that's going hay-wire.........

All my friends are saying, relationship is like this..............Yeah, I know.......that was why I had been staying away from it the whole time......saying no time and again............:'-(..............but I still wondered why I had decided to give this whole thing a chance...............:'-(.................Now, I'm wondering could I ever survive the aftermath of this whole thing...........when my heart is in smithereens again......:'-(

What if I sleep tonight and never open my eyes to this world again tomorrow?........To say goodbye and never return to this complicated place that has been sucking the life out of me anyway........:'-(...........only God could determine on that...........and as it is.........whatever ifs I may be thinking.......life has to go on until God bids me to return HOME..........until then, I will continue to persevere to pursue my dream...........the only thing I ever know that made me felt that something's worth living..........:'-(............for if this dream is taken away from me, it would really be time for me to bid farewell to this cruel world that had never been able to understand what I want to say..........and had insist I learn to understand everyone around me, even when nothing was told to me until the very last minute............

What if I'm mute, I'm deaf and don't have to see the world......I could imagine how beautiful it is and not be hurt by the realities of its ugliness and all...........

What if I could choose again..........what would I do..........yeah me, the selfish horrible little bitch with a penchant to hurt everyone around me with words............even when I hadn't meant to........it hurt like hell......it did...it still do..........and it's driving me nuts...........:'-(